I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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