Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
