she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You are a genius and a whore.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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