Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
