so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
