I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
