You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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