I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
