ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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