did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
