at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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