you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
