My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
