yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
