R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You work out of a Hotel?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
