Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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