my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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