the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
