and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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