ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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