I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
