look no pants
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
