I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
