Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
