I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
