He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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