good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
