Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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