if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When did angry sex become our thing?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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