My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
