i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
