Only a mothe r could love this liver
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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