i barfeds in our rink
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
