new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Randomize
