I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
