Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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