apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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