I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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