Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
