so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
