so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
