a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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