WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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