the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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