I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
