Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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