I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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