just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
