I can tuck mytits in my pants
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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