On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My life is pants optional.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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