I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
