I can text with my tongue
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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